Faith
It was a dreary Sunday morning when I awoke early. Despite the special occasion that loomed ahead of me, I didn’t feel motivated to get out of bed. I hit the snooze button on my alarm one more time. Amazing how when times are tough it can become so easy to allow precious moments in this short life to pass me by. I rolled over in my bed one more time until my fingers found the furry rump of my aging pet. I wanted to snuggle up next to him and sleep the day away. It had been so hard helping my arthritic dog, Comet, in and out of bed each day that some mornings I am too weak to face reality. What happened to my faith?
This morning my thoughts went immediately to my friend, Br. Eugene, I mean Deacon Eugene, who is now Fr. Eugene. I thought of him awakening early on this very same day, with joy, with enthusiasm, with tremendous faith. Without that kind of faith, without that loving heart, it would have been impossible for him to get out of bed this morning either, just like it was for me. What had happened to my faith? Thinking of what a special day it was for Eugene, I climbed out of bed and began getting ready. I helped my dog, Comet out of bed and woke my kids…was it really that much effort?
Upon getting to the church, I found it nearly impossible to park, let alone to find a safe place to park. I had to drop my son off near one of the entrances so he could get inside in time to serve as an altar boy. At the last moment he seemed hesitant, but I gently urged him to do it. After all, it isn’t often that you get to serve at an ordination. I had a sense this would be a good experience for my young man to have.
At last, I parked and we walked quite a distance to the church. Even since I had been coming here, how very much the neighborhood had changed! You could easily see how this community had been built around this beautiful church and how everyone used to walk to it, and how so many years later the residents of the neighborhood do not attend this church. It is a world that no longer exists. Like that church, I thought of Eugene standing nearly alone in a world that hardly believes that any of this faith stuff is worthwhile. Yet there it stands, as he stood there today an island of faith in a faithless world.
Once inside the church and seated, my attention turned as it inevitably does, to the enormous, other-worldly image of The Blessed Virgin Mary on the dome of the church, behind the iconostas, above the altar. All at once, I was whisked back to my childhood, when I spent my time in the Roman Catholic churches in Detroit, gazing up at the images of Jesus, saints, angels, and Mary above me. Those images were like my very own Sistine Chapel and I wondered about the artists who painted them and the God who inspired them.
I am haunted by this image of Mary. She is like my Mona Lisa. I cannot decide if she is happy or sad, smiling or crying. I could almost swear her expression reflects my mood. Today when I gazed up at her I believed her to be sad. Her eyes looked mournful and troubled, it was as if she was pitying me for what I was feeling. I don’t know if others have this experience with her, as I have never spoken to anyone else about it. My eyes blurred as I focused hard on her image and prayed. I noticed I had tears which I quickly wiped away. Where was my faith? Why am I not strong and brave like Eugene? This breathtakingly beautiful church was built by such people. Such an artist had painted the image of Mary who was now looking over me.
Next thing I knew the ceremony began, with bread and salt, as is Ukrainian tradition. There was Eugene, looking peaceful and quietly happy. No need to be nervous as he is filled with faith. There was the Bishop and just seeing his bishop outfit let me feel the importance of the event about to take place. The only time I had ever been near a bishop before I joined this community, was the day I was confirmed. Then there was my son serving as altar boy. His smile made it all worthwhile. There is just something about that mother-son relationship. One of the things that makes me happiest in this world is to see my son smile. It does something to my heart that I can’t describe. I felt a little twinge of guilt that I don’t help him to smile more. I am not always a very good mom, because sometimes I just don’t believe. My mind went to Eugene’s mother who was there today. What kind of mom must she have been that he had the love and faith to give up so many worldly things to become a priest? And looking at Mary above me in the church, what about the faith and courage required to be the Mother of God!
The ordination ceremony was full of symbolism, faith, courage and love. I know Fr. Eugene will make a wonderful priest. His faith will move mountains. You can already feel it. He is a very special guy and I was honored to be there.
During his homily, the bishop spoke about the kind of heart it takes to be a priest. I had never considered this before. I will never forget his words. And how most of us look for a career that will be finically lucrative and a job that is interesting. Yet Eugene was called to do this and for none of the usual reasons we seek a particular career. He simply had to trust and still has to trust that he will be cared for on his journey, and here he is, a priest. And to be a priest in a world that mostly worships money and wealth, and nothing much beyond that. He already possesses the faith and the kind and generous heart, as well as the courage to walk a different path than most of us. I have seen only glimmers of that kind of heart in myself, like when I adopted my kids.
I was reading about all the rich symbolism in the booklet we had received. The special words that are spoken, the way the four directions are honored, north, south, east and west. The long ceremony seemed to connect heaven and earth, God to man. It connected us all and weaved us all together like the vines of the vineyard mentioned in the prayers. I was a vine in a lush and fruitful vineyard.
At last Fr. Eugene was ordained, and soon after, the church bells began ringing, as if it had been planned all along. I noticed just then that the sun began to come out even though it had been cloudy and dismal. It began to get brighter as the warm sunbeams poured through the clear windows of the cupola above. I noticed that one pool of sunlight was pouring down upon me. It felt so good to be there in that sunlight. It was beautiful and powerful. I looked up at that moment and was convinced that Mary had an almost imperceptible smile. She was smiling. God was smiling.
Fr. Eugene’s faith led me there today. And even though I am at on shakey ground at times, I felt my faith grow a little. The energy in the church was amazing and contagious.
Thank you Fr. Eugene, may God bless you always. May we all find the faith that we need.
